Ugh, every woman should experience the power of a true sisterhood that shows up, celebrates, and puts in the effort. I felt your ache in this.
I believe we should speak up. After my friend of over a decade ghosted me after sending a long message of things she’d been feeling about me/our friendship and holding against me for months (despite me texting back being willing to work through things), I wish she would have came to me at the first sign of dissatisfaction . I wish she would have let me know, “I don’t feel as supported by you right now.” Or “I need this from you in order to feel seen in our friendship.” Even if it hurts, even if we’re scared of how the other will respond, we have to name the ache.
Mariah 🤎, thank you so much for taking the time to sit with my words and share your own experience so vulnerably. I can feel the ache and disappointment in what happened with your friend, I know with your recollection of it that it has been a disheartening experience, especially after being open to working through it. I imagine the silence that followed must have been hurtful and confusing.
I think you’re absolutely right—naming the ache is important, even though it can be terrifying. At the same time, I wonder if some of us don’t speak up because we carry this unspoken expectation that people should know how to show up for us without needing it spelled out. It can feel exhausting to constantly explain ourselves, especially when we’re already carrying the weight of unmet needs.
For me, there’s also the fear of coming across as that friend who’s never satisfied, the one who’s always asking for more. So, instead of risking being misunderstood or seen as “too much,” we sometimes just let people show up as they think best and quietly make peace with whatever that looks like. But, as you said, silence can do more harm in the long run.
And then there’s the possibility of being gaslit when we do speak up—when highlighting how we’ve been hurt is seen as an attack on someone’s character rather than an invitation for repair and restoration. That risk alone can feel too daunting, so we stay quiet, even when the silence costs us so much.
I wish more of us had friendships where speaking up didn’t feel so fraught, where naming the ache felt like a pathway to deeper understanding rather than a potential point of rupture.
I think all of these conversations are vividly illuminating for me how precarious friendships can be, that treading through them can feel perplexing—not really sure if the step you’re taking will lead to deeper connection or an unexpected fall. It’s this constant ocillation between vulnerability and caution, of hoping to be understood while fearing rejection or misinterpretation.
Katz, all of this is so true thank you for sharing. I think it's different naming the ache when you've constantly explained your needs over and over again vs naming it when your needs might not be fully known to the other.
Also, I 100% get you not wanting to come across as unsatisfied. But, if someone deems you as "too much" they just don't have the capacity to meet your needs. That doesn't mean you're too much, you just require more. There are people out there who also require more and want to give more in return as well. In being true to desires/needs, we open ourselves up to find our TRUE people.
The gaslighting, ugh I hate it. I've been in that situation at times, but as you said, the silence ends up costing too much.
Friendships are so full of depth, much like intimate relationships which is why I don't understand how they're still not held on similar levels in our society.
I wasn’t expecting to get teary because of this letter, but I did. I felt your ache and your vulnerability right alongside you. I am so, so very sorry that this has been your experience Katz. As a sensitive heart, I can empathize with the pain that comes along with this for you. Recently my Momma and I were talking and she was saying that I’m the kind of friend that goes above and beyond, and we both agreed that I deserve to have friends that will do the same for me - so deeply thankful to have a Momma that sees me and reminds me of my worth and value like this 🙏🏾💜. Please hear me and my heart when I say I wholeheartedly agree with you when you say you want people who will see you and celebrate you.
You Katz, are so very deserving of them, too. One of my nicknames has also been “Katz”, so on some level, I feel connected to you with that but also with things I’ve read you shared from your heart. I pray that you are surrounded and enveloped in your extra mile people, and that they help to soothe the repeated aches you’ve experienced, and they help you continuously believe that wanting to be seen and celebrated is never asking for too much, and that people *want* to genuinely show up in those ways for you. Sending you warm hugs dear Katz. 🖤🖤🖤
Oh my Kathilia 🤎 what a heartwarming and deeply moving comment to read. Thank you soooooo much! I appreciate the blessing you have spoken over my life at the end, I wholeheartedly receive it and do look forward to when it comes to fruition. May you be blessed just as you have blessed me
Also, hey Katz!!! Lol I love that for us!
Please send my love to our Momma. I am so delighted that you have a mom who sees you and steers you in the right direction because I wholeheartedly agree with her sentiments.
Thank you for always engaging with my words and finding resonance. Much love 🤎
I’ve always struggled with maintaining friendships, for much of my life, actually. I’ve seen where “friends” have shunned my suggestions to get together, only to watch them happily accept the same from someone else. When I moved several years ago I asked for help from a group of friends and almost everyone said no. Four months later, a friend in the same group moved and I watched a group text fill up not only with enthusiastic responses to help, but plans to bring food and beverages. I shut the text thread and cried. It’s hard not to think I’m flawed. I’ve had to accept it as the norm for my life, but more than anything, ever since I could remember, I’ve just wanted a few good ride or die friends.
Kate, when I read this, I had to take off my glasses because my eyes were glistening with tears. I felt every single thing you said and experienced. That was a cruel thing to have encountered and gross emotional neglect. I am so so sorry that you had to go through that.
That is also how you know that people choose who they show up and go all out for, and sometimes you are just not that person.
I hope you get to know real care and love in your friendships, that you will get to know people who are just as enthusiastic about doing things with you/for you just as you are with them.
Me too Kate! I have had the same experience over & over in my life. For my friends I am their ride or die friend. You need anything I’m there - special occasion or sad occasion I’m there. But I don’t throw parties anymore or ask for help because it’s just too awful being constantly disappointed by the inability of my friends to really be my friend. I’ve tried and cried and now I just have made peace with it, I simply have no expectations of reciprocity from anyone in my life. I try less, cry less, and yes give less of myself & my time. And I’ve cut out a few selfish, toxic “friends & family” too. I’m happier but yes it’s a conundrum I share with other Kates & Katz. 😋
Thanks for your response. I so appreciate your words. Yes, I've been that person as well. Always showing up, sending the 'How are you?' texts or cards for birthdays, suggest a get-together ... yup, putting in the effort and never getting anything back. I'd meet a friend for coffee and they wouldn't ask me a single question about what was going on in my life, just talktalktalk about themselves. So many tears shed. Over time I've realized that I just shut myself out from attempting to form the friendships I crave so I won't be disappointed again. It's sad, but it's better than constantly trying and getting nothing in return.
I can only attest to what has worked for me. In addition to No Expectations I just stay true to myself. I send cards, gifts, text messages, emails, etc., because I chose to and to stay true to who I am. I do this because of that. When my Sister’s dog died I sent a sympathy card even though she doesn’t speak to me (trump cult) because I still love her and I know how much she loved her dog. Be true to yourself and let the rest of the world be whatever. You’ll be happier. I am. And now I have a new online friend with an awesome name.
Beautifully written. Many a time I had found that I was that friend! The one who goes above and beyond with very little reciprocation. I have learnt to keep my circle small and accept that maybe not everyone will have that ‘best friend’. Instead I am able to get different aspects of what I need in a friendship from different people and that’s ok. If I’m sad I know who to call, like wise if I need to celebrate or vent, this may be a different person. I just don’t have that one person who can facilitate all my friendship needs. Thank you for sharing, Substack has helped me to realise that maybe this is normal and I, in fact, are not the problem. Love Dx
D, I appreciate this reflection so much. Thank you for sharing it and moreover, thank you for taking the time to sit and take in my words. This is such a perspective shift, that maybe not one person is meant to meet our every relational need or our go to for everything. It seems you have found something that works for you and know who to got to and when.
Over and above all, I hope that you will experience the sort of community that shows up the way you truly desire ✨️
Sammy-Jo, I love you so much!!! Thank you for always seeing me. You have no idea how much I am grateful for you. And I cannot believe we are strangers because I swear we have met 🤎
Awww… maybe in a past life?! Is there anything that I can do from afar to help celebrate you as a person and as a new mum??? And what about your broader online community? ❤️
Sammy-Jo, your kindness stops me in my tracks. I honestly don’t know how to respond to such a generous offer because it’s rare for someone to even ask. Just you seeing me and holding me in this way feels like a gift 😭🤎
I’ve been sitting here thinking, “What do I even say to something so generous?”
It would most likely be just a solo thing. I have not taken myself out as a mom and had something nice. So that would be nice.
But please know that this thought alone has got me so teary. To be seen and held in this way, asked how to be shown up for? Wow 🥹🤎
I have felt this, too. Unreciprocated relationships hurt. Like a little burr under our self esteem. I read an article by Martha Beck that recommended pulling back to the other's level of giving. If they don't acknowledge your birthday, don't acknowledge theirs. This is at odds with the idea of giving without expectation. AND that it's fun to give. But if you keep giving and it's one sided, it can lead to resentment. It's a really hard balance. My husband has said that people love me in the way that they *can* love--they're not doing anything for anyone else, either. Or they're just doing it for the people whose approval they seek to gain (so if they already have mine, no effort necessary, I guess). My theory is that there are givers and takers. Most givers give more than they receive. But they keep giving. It's their nature. I don't know. I'm sorry. It's painful. I feel like "letting go" is a lifelong lesson.
Wendy, thank you for taking the time to share this. It’s comforting to know someone understands the ache of unreciprocated relationships so deeply. The advice from Martha Beck is interesting—it’s that tension between self-preservation and staying true to our own generous nature. Like you said, it’s such a hard balance, especially when giving feels like an extension of who we are, not just something we do.
What your husband said really resonates, too. People can only love in the ways they’re capable of, but sometimes knowing that doesn’t soften the sting of being on the receiving end of their limitations.
And ah, the lifelong lesson of “letting go.” Not in a detached, indifferent way, but in a way that honours the truth of the connection while also releasing the weight of unmet expectations. It’s so hard. Thank you for naming it as well.
So well written thank you and it perfectly encapsulates my current analysis and musings on what community actually means. To be peoples light and they dissapear when you may need theirs. Perhaps we know that feeling well enough to make the effort to show up. But all in all glad you wrote this piece ❤️
Bit late on this one so please accept an apology if this is a wound still fresh you are desperately trying to heal. It is on my feed and I struggle not to reach out. I hear you and see you and feel the same at times. Goodness you and your beautiful little miracle deserve to be loved and celebrated and I for one know those of us out here who carry the big hearts feel it all so deeply. I continue to believe what we are missing the essence of community is purpose and belonging and that begins at home. While we are all out here braving this wilderness writing love letters to each other I hope you can find some peace in knowing we are here. Always grateful for your raw tender soul and truth even when it aches. 💗
Thank you so much Janice for firstly taking the time to sit with my words and secondly, for the effort of leaving a comment. I'm so grateful that what I wrote could reflect back to you your own journey and experiences and hope it gives some needed comfort and perspective 🤎
This was beautifully written and tapped into feelings I've had about my own friendships. After my engagement ended, I experienced "the quiet" as well. It was heart-wrenching and something I am still sorting through. I think you're right about the importance of naming it. I'm still navigating how to, or if I should, have conversations with the people in my life. Thank you for sharing this 💖
Oohww Jessica 🥺🤎 sending you much love and warmth. I'm sorry that you have had to go through this unpleasant process. I also never thought of it from the context of a terminated engagement. Because I'm thinking of it too and I wouldn't be quite sure how to show up for a friend who just went through that. So I think a conversation in this regard would probably turn out much better than anticipated and bring your community up to speed as to how you'd like/would have liked to be supported in this time.
So wishing you all the best 🌻 and thank you so much for taking time with my words, so appreciated
This was written so beautifully and with such honesty, really a massive part of adult friendships that we can feel too vulnerable or helpless to express 💗 thank you for writing this
THANK YOU so much aisha for these beautiful and affirming words. I appreciate you taking the time with this newsletter and finding resonance 🤎 I am always delighted when I write things that feel too vulnerable but need to be said, so only my utmost pleasure, much love 🌻✨️
Ashleigh thank you so much! I receive that. Clearly there's something about your energy because tell me why after you wrote this an old friend asked to take me out to celebrate a recent milestone 🥹🫶🏾 so thank you for sending our these words out to the univers 🤎🤎
Thank you for sharing this ♥️ as always your writing touches something within each one of us as is being shown in these comments.
I am so sorry for your experience and I trust that this will change for you. By acknowledging it and sharing it too, this already feels like a seismic shift.
For many years this was my experience too and your writing reminded me of these times that I had forgotten about: the exhaustion and frustration of continuously putting so much time, thought and love into others, for it then not to be reciprocated. Whilst at the same time, not doing it because of an expectation but from what I thought and believed was a mutual understanding and sharing of love.
It's hard to put into words the meaning behind why this happens to so many of us, what the other side thinks or experiences and I feel that we can go down an endless rabbit hole if we try to start. However, in these situations, by coming back to my truth and my feelings, I saw the beauty of what it showed me: that I had, and have, so much love to give and to be more aware of my "why". Why was I pouring so much love into that person or situation. Usually the answer was that I wanted to change something.
As we spoke about, it's that fine line between being so connected to ourselves and to give ourselves everything we need and also to accept that we are social beings who love to be validated, seen and heard.
I have no doubt that all of these people here who have read and commented on this would gather (virtually or in-person) and throw you a belated baby shower - just throwing it out there 🤗
Thank you, as always, for sharing your truth and in turn, validating each and every one of our own experiences too 🙏
Ola, I am so grateful for you, more than I could ever express 🤎
Thank you for such a meaningful and thoughtful reflection, for affirming my experience and allowing me to feel less alone.
I am also encouraged that this is a experience that you speak of in the past tense, and I am so glad! There is hope for me.
Thank you for that seismic shift perspective, if I should call it that. I am trusting for that.
So many poignant things you have said and ones I can identify myself in. Bringing back the idea of “why” from our conversation within this context, quite everything.
Thank you so much for your comment and the care and heart you put into it 🌻🤎
A great essay, Katz. This feels universal and applies to males as well, especially in young adulthood, where friendships shift due to career, relationship, and personal growth transitions. The 'that's just how it is' mindset reflects shared struggles with unmet expectations and maintaining mutual effort amid shifting priorities. I’ve experienced similar situations myself.
Tinashe, thank you so much for taking the time to read my words and reflecting on them too. I appreciate your male perspective too because it often feels like when it comes to friendship or conversations around it, they are only more relevant or meaningful for women. But it is clearly quite universal.
Thank you for the affirmation too, much appreciated.
Ugh, every woman should experience the power of a true sisterhood that shows up, celebrates, and puts in the effort. I felt your ache in this.
I believe we should speak up. After my friend of over a decade ghosted me after sending a long message of things she’d been feeling about me/our friendship and holding against me for months (despite me texting back being willing to work through things), I wish she would have came to me at the first sign of dissatisfaction . I wish she would have let me know, “I don’t feel as supported by you right now.” Or “I need this from you in order to feel seen in our friendship.” Even if it hurts, even if we’re scared of how the other will respond, we have to name the ache.
Mariah 🤎, thank you so much for taking the time to sit with my words and share your own experience so vulnerably. I can feel the ache and disappointment in what happened with your friend, I know with your recollection of it that it has been a disheartening experience, especially after being open to working through it. I imagine the silence that followed must have been hurtful and confusing.
I think you’re absolutely right—naming the ache is important, even though it can be terrifying. At the same time, I wonder if some of us don’t speak up because we carry this unspoken expectation that people should know how to show up for us without needing it spelled out. It can feel exhausting to constantly explain ourselves, especially when we’re already carrying the weight of unmet needs.
For me, there’s also the fear of coming across as that friend who’s never satisfied, the one who’s always asking for more. So, instead of risking being misunderstood or seen as “too much,” we sometimes just let people show up as they think best and quietly make peace with whatever that looks like. But, as you said, silence can do more harm in the long run.
And then there’s the possibility of being gaslit when we do speak up—when highlighting how we’ve been hurt is seen as an attack on someone’s character rather than an invitation for repair and restoration. That risk alone can feel too daunting, so we stay quiet, even when the silence costs us so much.
I wish more of us had friendships where speaking up didn’t feel so fraught, where naming the ache felt like a pathway to deeper understanding rather than a potential point of rupture.
I think all of these conversations are vividly illuminating for me how precarious friendships can be, that treading through them can feel perplexing—not really sure if the step you’re taking will lead to deeper connection or an unexpected fall. It’s this constant ocillation between vulnerability and caution, of hoping to be understood while fearing rejection or misinterpretation.
Katz, all of this is so true thank you for sharing. I think it's different naming the ache when you've constantly explained your needs over and over again vs naming it when your needs might not be fully known to the other.
Also, I 100% get you not wanting to come across as unsatisfied. But, if someone deems you as "too much" they just don't have the capacity to meet your needs. That doesn't mean you're too much, you just require more. There are people out there who also require more and want to give more in return as well. In being true to desires/needs, we open ourselves up to find our TRUE people.
The gaslighting, ugh I hate it. I've been in that situation at times, but as you said, the silence ends up costing too much.
Friendships are so full of depth, much like intimate relationships which is why I don't understand how they're still not held on similar levels in our society.
Mariah, everything that you said here! Everyone needs to hear it.
I never knew I needed to hear this.
It felt like a gentle prod back to myself, my heart.
Thank you so much for your tender and warm words. You are so gifted with speaking to the most delicate parts of our souls.
Bless you 🤎🌻
Whew. I-
I wasn’t expecting to get teary because of this letter, but I did. I felt your ache and your vulnerability right alongside you. I am so, so very sorry that this has been your experience Katz. As a sensitive heart, I can empathize with the pain that comes along with this for you. Recently my Momma and I were talking and she was saying that I’m the kind of friend that goes above and beyond, and we both agreed that I deserve to have friends that will do the same for me - so deeply thankful to have a Momma that sees me and reminds me of my worth and value like this 🙏🏾💜. Please hear me and my heart when I say I wholeheartedly agree with you when you say you want people who will see you and celebrate you.
You Katz, are so very deserving of them, too. One of my nicknames has also been “Katz”, so on some level, I feel connected to you with that but also with things I’ve read you shared from your heart. I pray that you are surrounded and enveloped in your extra mile people, and that they help to soothe the repeated aches you’ve experienced, and they help you continuously believe that wanting to be seen and celebrated is never asking for too much, and that people *want* to genuinely show up in those ways for you. Sending you warm hugs dear Katz. 🖤🖤🖤
Oh my Kathilia 🤎 what a heartwarming and deeply moving comment to read. Thank you soooooo much! I appreciate the blessing you have spoken over my life at the end, I wholeheartedly receive it and do look forward to when it comes to fruition. May you be blessed just as you have blessed me
Also, hey Katz!!! Lol I love that for us!
Please send my love to our Momma. I am so delighted that you have a mom who sees you and steers you in the right direction because I wholeheartedly agree with her sentiments.
Thank you for always engaging with my words and finding resonance. Much love 🤎
I’ve always struggled with maintaining friendships, for much of my life, actually. I’ve seen where “friends” have shunned my suggestions to get together, only to watch them happily accept the same from someone else. When I moved several years ago I asked for help from a group of friends and almost everyone said no. Four months later, a friend in the same group moved and I watched a group text fill up not only with enthusiastic responses to help, but plans to bring food and beverages. I shut the text thread and cried. It’s hard not to think I’m flawed. I’ve had to accept it as the norm for my life, but more than anything, ever since I could remember, I’ve just wanted a few good ride or die friends.
Kate, when I read this, I had to take off my glasses because my eyes were glistening with tears. I felt every single thing you said and experienced. That was a cruel thing to have encountered and gross emotional neglect. I am so so sorry that you had to go through that.
That is also how you know that people choose who they show up and go all out for, and sometimes you are just not that person.
I hope you get to know real care and love in your friendships, that you will get to know people who are just as enthusiastic about doing things with you/for you just as you are with them.
Sending you the biggest hug 🤎
Me too Kate! I have had the same experience over & over in my life. For my friends I am their ride or die friend. You need anything I’m there - special occasion or sad occasion I’m there. But I don’t throw parties anymore or ask for help because it’s just too awful being constantly disappointed by the inability of my friends to really be my friend. I’ve tried and cried and now I just have made peace with it, I simply have no expectations of reciprocity from anyone in my life. I try less, cry less, and yes give less of myself & my time. And I’ve cut out a few selfish, toxic “friends & family” too. I’m happier but yes it’s a conundrum I share with other Kates & Katz. 😋
All Kates and Katz unite 🥹✊🏾🤎
Thanks for your response. I so appreciate your words. Yes, I've been that person as well. Always showing up, sending the 'How are you?' texts or cards for birthdays, suggest a get-together ... yup, putting in the effort and never getting anything back. I'd meet a friend for coffee and they wouldn't ask me a single question about what was going on in my life, just talktalktalk about themselves. So many tears shed. Over time I've realized that I just shut myself out from attempting to form the friendships I crave so I won't be disappointed again. It's sad, but it's better than constantly trying and getting nothing in return.
I can only attest to what has worked for me. In addition to No Expectations I just stay true to myself. I send cards, gifts, text messages, emails, etc., because I chose to and to stay true to who I am. I do this because of that. When my Sister’s dog died I sent a sympathy card even though she doesn’t speak to me (trump cult) because I still love her and I know how much she loved her dog. Be true to yourself and let the rest of the world be whatever. You’ll be happier. I am. And now I have a new online friend with an awesome name.
Beautifully written. Many a time I had found that I was that friend! The one who goes above and beyond with very little reciprocation. I have learnt to keep my circle small and accept that maybe not everyone will have that ‘best friend’. Instead I am able to get different aspects of what I need in a friendship from different people and that’s ok. If I’m sad I know who to call, like wise if I need to celebrate or vent, this may be a different person. I just don’t have that one person who can facilitate all my friendship needs. Thank you for sharing, Substack has helped me to realise that maybe this is normal and I, in fact, are not the problem. Love Dx
D, I appreciate this reflection so much. Thank you for sharing it and moreover, thank you for taking the time to sit and take in my words. This is such a perspective shift, that maybe not one person is meant to meet our every relational need or our go to for everything. It seems you have found something that works for you and know who to got to and when.
Over and above all, I hope that you will experience the sort of community that shows up the way you truly desire ✨️
Much love 🤎
Thank you 🫶🏾
And also, your friends should have made you feel like a goddess for your shower- that’s what you deserve!! I’m so sorry.
Sammy-Jo, I love you so much!!! Thank you for always seeing me. You have no idea how much I am grateful for you. And I cannot believe we are strangers because I swear we have met 🤎
Awww… maybe in a past life?! Is there anything that I can do from afar to help celebrate you as a person and as a new mum??? And what about your broader online community? ❤️
Sammy-Jo, your kindness stops me in my tracks. I honestly don’t know how to respond to such a generous offer because it’s rare for someone to even ask. Just you seeing me and holding me in this way feels like a gift 😭🤎
I’ve been sitting here thinking, “What do I even say to something so generous?”
It would most likely be just a solo thing. I have not taken myself out as a mom and had something nice. So that would be nice.
But please know that this thought alone has got me so teary. To be seen and held in this way, asked how to be shown up for? Wow 🥹🤎
“I still don’t know how to process the silence that surrounded one of the most transformative times of my life. “
Thank you 🤎 🥹 and much love to you 🌻✨️ thank you for reading.
I have felt this, too. Unreciprocated relationships hurt. Like a little burr under our self esteem. I read an article by Martha Beck that recommended pulling back to the other's level of giving. If they don't acknowledge your birthday, don't acknowledge theirs. This is at odds with the idea of giving without expectation. AND that it's fun to give. But if you keep giving and it's one sided, it can lead to resentment. It's a really hard balance. My husband has said that people love me in the way that they *can* love--they're not doing anything for anyone else, either. Or they're just doing it for the people whose approval they seek to gain (so if they already have mine, no effort necessary, I guess). My theory is that there are givers and takers. Most givers give more than they receive. But they keep giving. It's their nature. I don't know. I'm sorry. It's painful. I feel like "letting go" is a lifelong lesson.
Wendy, thank you for taking the time to share this. It’s comforting to know someone understands the ache of unreciprocated relationships so deeply. The advice from Martha Beck is interesting—it’s that tension between self-preservation and staying true to our own generous nature. Like you said, it’s such a hard balance, especially when giving feels like an extension of who we are, not just something we do.
What your husband said really resonates, too. People can only love in the ways they’re capable of, but sometimes knowing that doesn’t soften the sting of being on the receiving end of their limitations.
And ah, the lifelong lesson of “letting go.” Not in a detached, indifferent way, but in a way that honours the truth of the connection while also releasing the weight of unmet expectations. It’s so hard. Thank you for naming it as well.
"releasing the weight of unmet expectations" Yes. Thank you for the conversation and for your honest essay.
That final paragraph is so beautiful! I’m so sorry that this is your experience, though! Please keep trying to find your people ❤️
Why is it raining inside my house?
So well written thank you and it perfectly encapsulates my current analysis and musings on what community actually means. To be peoples light and they dissapear when you may need theirs. Perhaps we know that feeling well enough to make the effort to show up. But all in all glad you wrote this piece ❤️
Oof 🥹🫶🏾 thank you so much Lovette. You have written such beautiful words.
“To be people's light they disappear when you need theirs” sheesh what a heartbreaking image.
I'll actually check out what you have written about community, it's something I'm also contemplating on a lot.
Thank you for taking time with my words and sharing with me such resonant words 🤎
Bit late on this one so please accept an apology if this is a wound still fresh you are desperately trying to heal. It is on my feed and I struggle not to reach out. I hear you and see you and feel the same at times. Goodness you and your beautiful little miracle deserve to be loved and celebrated and I for one know those of us out here who carry the big hearts feel it all so deeply. I continue to believe what we are missing the essence of community is purpose and belonging and that begins at home. While we are all out here braving this wilderness writing love letters to each other I hope you can find some peace in knowing we are here. Always grateful for your raw tender soul and truth even when it aches. 💗
Ooh Julie 🥹🤎 this is so sweet and heartwarming, your words already feel like some balm.
And you can never be late, appreciate you taking the time with my words and the thoughtfulness you have held them with your comment.
Much love 🌻
This really speaks to a couple of events that happened in my life, so thank you.
Thank you so much Janice for firstly taking the time to sit with my words and secondly, for the effort of leaving a comment. I'm so grateful that what I wrote could reflect back to you your own journey and experiences and hope it gives some needed comfort and perspective 🤎
This was beautifully written and tapped into feelings I've had about my own friendships. After my engagement ended, I experienced "the quiet" as well. It was heart-wrenching and something I am still sorting through. I think you're right about the importance of naming it. I'm still navigating how to, or if I should, have conversations with the people in my life. Thank you for sharing this 💖
Oohww Jessica 🥺🤎 sending you much love and warmth. I'm sorry that you have had to go through this unpleasant process. I also never thought of it from the context of a terminated engagement. Because I'm thinking of it too and I wouldn't be quite sure how to show up for a friend who just went through that. So I think a conversation in this regard would probably turn out much better than anticipated and bring your community up to speed as to how you'd like/would have liked to be supported in this time.
So wishing you all the best 🌻 and thank you so much for taking time with my words, so appreciated
You're welcome and thank you for the insight 💕
This was written so beautifully and with such honesty, really a massive part of adult friendships that we can feel too vulnerable or helpless to express 💗 thank you for writing this
THANK YOU so much aisha for these beautiful and affirming words. I appreciate you taking the time with this newsletter and finding resonance 🤎 I am always delighted when I write things that feel too vulnerable but need to be said, so only my utmost pleasure, much love 🌻✨️
Oh Katz. I wish for you the friendship you desire and deserve. Friends who show up for and love the totality of you.
Ashleigh thank you so much! I receive that. Clearly there's something about your energy because tell me why after you wrote this an old friend asked to take me out to celebrate a recent milestone 🥹🫶🏾 so thank you for sending our these words out to the univers 🤎🤎
Thank you for sharing this ♥️ as always your writing touches something within each one of us as is being shown in these comments.
I am so sorry for your experience and I trust that this will change for you. By acknowledging it and sharing it too, this already feels like a seismic shift.
For many years this was my experience too and your writing reminded me of these times that I had forgotten about: the exhaustion and frustration of continuously putting so much time, thought and love into others, for it then not to be reciprocated. Whilst at the same time, not doing it because of an expectation but from what I thought and believed was a mutual understanding and sharing of love.
It's hard to put into words the meaning behind why this happens to so many of us, what the other side thinks or experiences and I feel that we can go down an endless rabbit hole if we try to start. However, in these situations, by coming back to my truth and my feelings, I saw the beauty of what it showed me: that I had, and have, so much love to give and to be more aware of my "why". Why was I pouring so much love into that person or situation. Usually the answer was that I wanted to change something.
As we spoke about, it's that fine line between being so connected to ourselves and to give ourselves everything we need and also to accept that we are social beings who love to be validated, seen and heard.
I have no doubt that all of these people here who have read and commented on this would gather (virtually or in-person) and throw you a belated baby shower - just throwing it out there 🤗
Thank you, as always, for sharing your truth and in turn, validating each and every one of our own experiences too 🙏
xx
Ola, I am so grateful for you, more than I could ever express 🤎
Thank you for such a meaningful and thoughtful reflection, for affirming my experience and allowing me to feel less alone.
I am also encouraged that this is a experience that you speak of in the past tense, and I am so glad! There is hope for me.
Thank you for that seismic shift perspective, if I should call it that. I am trusting for that.
So many poignant things you have said and ones I can identify myself in. Bringing back the idea of “why” from our conversation within this context, quite everything.
Thank you so much for your comment and the care and heart you put into it 🌻🤎
A great essay, Katz. This feels universal and applies to males as well, especially in young adulthood, where friendships shift due to career, relationship, and personal growth transitions. The 'that's just how it is' mindset reflects shared struggles with unmet expectations and maintaining mutual effort amid shifting priorities. I’ve experienced similar situations myself.
Tinashe, thank you so much for taking the time to read my words and reflecting on them too. I appreciate your male perspective too because it often feels like when it comes to friendship or conversations around it, they are only more relevant or meaningful for women. But it is clearly quite universal.
Thank you for the affirmation too, much appreciated.